Naruto Fanfiction at its Finest
by Creign
Summary: In which Sasuke shines like a vampire, Sakura shoves her tongue down people's throat, Naruto goes on a diet, Team Hebi is monologueous, Genma swallows his senbon, and everyone else watches. Or something. Behold, the birth of yet another fanfiction parody.


**A/N: **Yes, I have joined the bandwagon of crackdom. Here's my two cents at making fun of summaries:

Summry: sasuke finally returns to konoha and is hott he makes sakura his gf and they fall in love and karin is such a bitch LOL. OMG i suk at summries REVIEW PPL I'M BEGGING YOU!!!!!!

I mean, come on, how many of those have you read?

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**Naruto Fanfiction at Its Finest  
**

The birds were blue and the sky was chirping. Clouds, varied in size and whiter than Paris Hilton stumbled their way across the endless blue expanse overhead, drifting their way into oblivion. The sun shown with the intensity of a 3000 watt florescent lightbulb and blah blah blah. Insert obligatory, adjective-saturated, goshwillread description of the surrounding.

Naruto blearily woke up and stretched. He yawned widely, paying no attention to the several mosquitoes corpses littered on his sheets, victims of his foul morning breath. He walked into his bathroom and brushed his teeth. Looking into his mirror, he frowned at the flatness of his hair.

The dull blond locks were plastered to his head in a fashion reminiscent of Rock Lee's bowl cut. This simply would not do. For one, Naruto was blond. And the main character- of a _japanese cartoon._

And all anime heroes, _all of them_, had cool hair. So, a slave to mainstream, he opened mirror to rummage through his stock of hair gel. He grabbed his recently purchased tube of L'Oreal Studio Clear Minded, Clean Feeling Gel with Strong Hold. He frowned at it. The label on the back said to squeeze a button sized drop... but screw the label. As Fergie once said, labels aren't as great as love. Or something.

Naruto shrugged and pushed out the usual amount of gel- a dollop slightly smaller than his entire hand. Carefully, he shaped his flat locks into the multitude of spikes that was his trademark. He rinsed the hair glue off his hands, and winked at himself in the mirror.

"L'Oreal... because I'm worth it."

* * *

Meanwhile, entirely across town, at the village gates, Genma swallowed his senbon and died. Anko looked at his body sadly and sighed. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

She gingerly moved the flap her jacket, which miraculously stayed in place without revealing too much boobage, and looked up. "OMG," she said. There, from the gates, walking in all his glory, was Uchiha Sasuke and his band of misfits. There was a girl, and a guy, and another guy, but he didn't really look like a guy, more like one of those bishonen characters that fangirls were so fond of.

"Sasuke!" Anko called. The boy looked at her, and wondered how her jacket stayed in place without revealing too much boobage.

Sasuke raised his chin and walked over to her. "Alas, I have returned."

Anko raised an eyebrow, "Cool. But-"

He interrupted her and said, "Returned I have to take my place, after defeating my enemies with my handsome face. My team and I do not fear, the council even though I have kicked Law in the rear. After slaying so many nukenin, alas; I'm sure the elders will spare my ass."

"That's great but-"

Sasuke nodded bravely and flicked back a lock of black hair. He countinued with his soliliqui. "I have returned to complete my two goals; I've finished the first and I'm on a roll. Returned I have to revive my clan; with my awesome powers the Uchiha will rise again." Cue the fangirl scream.

"Sasuke, you really need to-"

"I come to offer my great sperm; for what the gene pool will burn. With passion and desire I will impregnate; a solulate maiden to bear my children DAMN STRAIGHT." He finished with a flourish and salute Hitler would be proud of.

Team Eagle cheered at the end.

"He's so dreamy," said Karin.

"Interesting," said Juugo.

"I'd hit that," said Suigetsu, staring at Anko's jacket which stayed miraculously in place without reveaing too much boobage.

Anko rubbed her temples. Who knew the Uchiha traitor had developed his _eclectic literatura. _

"That's a great ambition speech and all, but, uh, you're stepping on Genma's face." She coughed a little. "His dead face."

Looking down, Sasuke was alarmed to note that indeed, he had left a size 11 shoe print on the man's nose. The pressure from his weight had forced the senbon in Genma's throat to protrude from Adam's Apple like celery from it's bulb.

"I will remove my foot, the accompli," he said eloquently. "From this dead man's visage promptly." After doing so, he walked into the village without so much as an alarm sounding. Being the loyal, brainless lackeys they were, Team Eagle followed.

"He's so dreamy," said Karin.

"Interesting," said Juugo.

"I'd hit that," said Suigetsu.

* * *

Meanwhile, Naruto was visiting the most popular ramen stand in fanfic history. Ichiraku. It left one to wonder why the store remained a ramen stand after all those years. For certain, the old man could have taken the initiative to expand, and perhaps augmented his business into a partnership. The increased capital is certainly a bonus, although he'd have to draw up an agreement with another individual leaving room for unlimited liability and... ahem.

The kyuubi boy sat down and looked up and saw everyone, _everyone_, eating ramen. Everyone, meaning of course, all of Rookie nine and the sand siblings and their sensei's and their sensei's sensei's (of those who weren't dead) and etcerta.

"Old man!" Naruto shouted, because this authoress refuses to waste any additional brainspace remembering the names of minor charactors.

The old man looked up from where he was already stewing the thirty nine bowls of ramen that _everyone_ had ordered.

"I'd like to order thirty nine bowls of ramen."

Kiba raised his head and whispered conspiratorially in Naruto's ear. "Yo, man, you know, you gotta chill it. Watch the figure, you know?" Ino subtly continued to kick at Kiba, giving him support.

"What do you mean?" Naruto was confused. Thirty nine bowls of ramen was his usual order, after all.\

"What I'm saying is that, you know, ramen has loads of carbs. And fat. All that starch will go right to your belly." Kiba nodded purposefully towards Naruto's stomach.

"Are you calling me fat?" Naruto said.

"Yes." Ino replied.

All was silent.

"But..." Naruto stuttered, and the rest of the people in Ichiraku took the initiative and turned on him.

The old man said, "You _have _been ordering twenty more bowls ever since you've hit puberty... and my ramen isn't exactly healthy."

Shikamaru said, "Extra fat clogs the brain arteries and limits computing power. No wonder you're so slow."

Sakura said, "I've always wondered why you always wear those hideous baggy capris and that loose jacket. Is it because you don't fit in anything else and you're too ashamed to purchase the next size?"

Ino said, "You have terrible morning breath. That's a symptom of keratosis, which I think means you're too fat."

Chouji said, "You have a square ass."

That was the final straw. Clutching his (square) ass, Naruto hopped off the barstool. Turning to face the mass of critics, he raised his head and howled into the sky, "That's it! I'll show you! I'm the next Hokage! I am hotness reincarnated! Can't you see the glitter of my golden hair and my baby blue eyes that are endless?? I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!! I'M GOING ON A DIET!!!"

And fifth little piggy cried whe whe whe all the way home, head down in shame.

Kiba hi-fived Ino who smiled. "Phase one, success."

* * *

As Hebi walked, they passed through the markets of Konoha. A wave of nostalgia washed through Sasuke as he remembered when Itachi would take him to the salon to get their hair done. The hairdresser would always be gay or blinded by their hotness or gay and blinded by their hotness, and so he kept cutting their hair screwy.

Just thinking about it got Sasuke mad. He asked for side bangs, damnit. Not for these two weirdly cut locks of hair that hung on either side of his face. And just who came up with the gel upswipe on the back of his head?

Suddenly, an old woman approached him.

"You!" she said, hunched over with arthritis pain. "You look like sex on legs!"

"... my gratitude," Sasuke told her. He was alarmed to note her clawed hand clenching his elbow.

The old woman blushed and pushed his face against his arm. "I'd like to show you something, young man." She glanced around conspiratorially, taking note of the furious Karin (screeching "Hands OFF Adonis" in the background), and whispered seductively in Sasuke's ear "Lets go somewhere more private."

"... I hesitate, but I am swayed."

Sasuke was innocently led away from his team by the old woman into a dark alley. Even though it was the middle of the day. Because in anime, there are _always_ dark alleys, ready for rape scenes that eventually lead to a tortured heroine who is then saved by the hero and is taught how to love again.

There were rats and garbage and a homeless man in the alley, but the old woman deemed it private. She smirked at Sasuke and peered up at him from under her wrinkled eyelids. Sasuke shuddered when a particularly raised liver spot was pressed against his built hot forearm. She pressed him up against the walled and snickered.

Suddenly, Sasuke became very suspicious. "Wait a minute," he said. "I know what you're up to!" In his mind, he congratulated his brilliant deductive reasoning.

The old woman widened her eyes. "Who, me?"

"Yeah," he said. "You're trying to... sell me something!" The horror, the torture... marketing.

She sighed and put her hands up. "You caught me redhanded. Now will you take a look at the product? I've been waiting all day for a customer and they've all been running away."

It should have been blatantly curious to Sasuke as to why the customers have been running away, but he nodded anyway.

Encouraged the woman whipped out a cosmetic bag. "We're selling this amazing product called SexyShimmer. It's a moisturizer that will revitalize, tone, and rejuvenate the skin!" Coughing up phlegm, she continued. "It comes in three sizes, and as a bonus, has a scent that will attract the ladies!"

Attract ladies? That got Sasuke's attention. He _did_ have to revive his clan after all... and he swore that he had caught a hint of a crow's feet at the corner of his eye. Maybe it was time to turn to man makeup, even if it wasn't guy-liner.

"I'll take it," he said and payed the old lady nineteen ninety nine.

She handed him a gaudy bottle that read _SexyShimmer: Shimmer your inner sexy_ and disappeared with a cackle.

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**a/n: **I have no writing ability whatsoever so I'm trying to cover it up by writing a purposefully badly written you couldn't tell, this is a parody of bad romance stories. If you have any jokes you'd like to see, tell me in a review. LOL for a second there, I almost schemed you into reveiwing my story for no reason whatsoever! Which this definately isn't! Smile.


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